"Fuck Father's Day"

I take an advanced boxing class at the gym on Sunday mornings when I have the wherewithal (read: gastrointestinal equilibrium) to make it there for the abuse. Picture fifteen gay men, four trophy wives, and me taking marching orders from a brohawked martinet at eleven on Sunday mornings: push-ups, punching drills, squats, et al. The class is designed to make the participants fail and it usually works.

On Sunday, it was exceptionally difficult. We were lagging during the last fifteen minutes as the task was to repeat jab/cross combinations with our version of Mick screaming at us (pretend like you're fucking somebody up!).

There was a tension in the room as we stalled until one of the most effete men in the class shouted FUCK FATHER'S DAY!!! and the class responded with laughter both uncomfortable and concordant and then finished the set strong, sweating in agony.

I got home and had no calls because everyone local had plans. I turned on the Astros game. It's rare that I get to see my hometown team play on television but this weekend they were facing the Yankees (a rarity of interleague play). New York versus Houston. Home versus home.

There was my stadium on television, all the local ads still made sense, the Texas flags, and all the players wore blue ribbons for Father's Day. The Yankees have an entire television station dedicated to the glory of their baseball team. Each Yankee game is broadcast and the games are replayed at least three times before the next game comes on and then there are special shows that commemorate past championships (the Yankees have won 26 World Series, the Astros have won none). The rest of the line-up includes Yankee analysis and interviews with players and coaches.

Since I am too tired from punching the air to type, here are some very scattered notes on the game:

One of the only heroes left on the Astros is Roy Oswalt, a pitcher from Mississippi whose tiny physical volume requires him to just gun the ball in at high speeds instead of letting his weight and momentum carry him through his pitches. He is wiry short, Southern tough. The only remaining joy of my team is watching him play.

The announcer announces that Roy Oswalt's father is ironically named Houston. I wonder if Houston Oswalt knows the difference between coincidences and irony.

A few years ago, the owner of the Astros offered to buy Oswalt a tractor if he pitched the Astros into the World Series and Oswalt was so excited that he threw one of the best games in the team's playoff history. He got the tractor but the Astros got swept out of the World Series. Since then, Oswalt (like the 'Stros) has been troubled.

In the first inning the announcer tells us that Yankees outfielder Johnny Damon recently switched baseball bats from ash bats to maple, fearing that ash bats will be discontinued; the only problem with maple bats is that Damon shatters them. On the next pitch, Damon shatters his bat.

While the staff cleans up the shards, the producers show a video tribute from Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain to his father Harlan who lives on an Indian reservation and once had polio. The announcers refrain from making comments about irony.

Damon eventually gets on base only to get thrown out while stealing second by the catcher. The catcher for the Astros is Brad Ausmus, a Jew who graduated from Dartmouth. Somehow that's ironic, right guys?

The camera pans to father/daughter combinations, including a dad in a Yankees cap holding the hand of a girl with an Astros hat on. The announcer says something stupid.

Alex Rodriguez (the reigning American League MVP who will redeem all of baseball's tainted records when he breaks them) steps up to the plate and takes a hack at an Oswalt pitch and it carries into the outfield.

Even in flying out and failing, he still looks unassailable.

He later makes a stabbing grab at a ball hit to the third base corner by Miguel Tejada. The hit would have easily been a double, but Rodriguez somehow reaches beyond himself and pulls it off the grass, saving two runs for the Yankees (Tejada was so stunned by the catch that he slid into first base in disbelief while attempting to beat the throw).

A-Rod then proceeds to hit a three-run blast into the stands at his next at-bat.

This is how nonchalant A-Rod appears after knocking a home run against the best pitcher in Astros history. With the Astros now losing 9-0, I shut off the game.

New York wins big, 13-0.